Thursday, December 29, 2011

Letters...

cha-ching!

Dear Pay day,
Hurry up and get here BRO! I need you DESPERATELY. i gots like 5 mutha [BEEP] in' Benjamins left in my wallet!! Ok, i'm frontin' but that's what it FEELS like son. i promise i will use you to pay off all my christmas bills and not to jack some new kicks shop the insanely awesome post-holiday sales (that I may or may not have already shopped). Sooooo, just hurry it up homie. K? Thanks...

Your broke azz Friend,
Shay Dizzle PO Fizzle


i need lotion... or new hands...

Dear Winter,
I know you've just arrived to NJ. And we've been putting you off for quite some time. But either give us snow or go away. This frigid weather is not doing anything for my skin and face. My hands are drier than a 90-year old womans........... uh, never mind. But seriously... you show up all early and dump some snow on us in OCTOBER and then poof, you're gone? Make up your mind.

Your snuggie wearing friend,
Shay

pump it, louder!

Dear Gym,
Long time no see, eh? I can't sit here and make excuses for not coming by to see you. I mean, I could but I won't. I've been lazy, fat and eating whatever is in front of me. And no, I am NOT preggers (though wouldn't that be a great excuse). I'm just going to jump on the bandwagon with the rest of the New Years Resolution people and see you then. Probably. Maybe.

Your mushy toilet paper muscled friend,
Shay

don't forget to water me bitch!

Dear Succulent,
I'm sorry i killed you. I'm a bad plant mommy. I let our love fern die. I hope you've gone on to see greener days. I will try not to let your brother die... he seems to be flourishing, as do the rest of your cousins that were given out at the wedding. I guess you were the runt of the litter so to speak.

Your over- or under-watering mom,
Shay

mmm mm good!

Dear Delicious Pear Dannon Yogurt,
3 words. Get. In. Ma. Belly. Oh crap, that's 4 words... oops. hehe (someone isn't caffeinated enough yet this morning) Anywho, as i was saying, you are amazing, delicious, little bites of real pears and under 100 calories? What more could a girl ask for... oh, except for you to NOT be LIMITED TIME! Like, for reals? Please, don't go away... you'll crush my hungry heart into a million hungry pieces. I even wrote a letter to Dannon asking for you to stick around for a little while longer permanently. I was the crazy lady at Stop & Shop that bought 10 of you yesterday just in case you're gone soon. #obsessedandproudofit.

Your #1 consumer of all your yummy goodness,
Shana NOM NOM Cambareri


your little 4lb dog is BARKING. im calling the cops... waaaah.

Dear B*tch-faced RAT Neighbor,
I'm glad at the end of the day we agreed to play nice in the sandbox with your psycho ass. Thanks for making us take off time from work to go to court with you and make no mistake that they ONLY reason it "went this far" was because YOU filed the summons against us FIRST. So despite what you think in that overly dyed, dry, ratty-haired MENTAL head of yours, the situation got out of control because of YOU and you alone. Not your poor handicapped husband who you dragged to court in the pouring rain, despite his name not being on ANY of the paperwork. Oh yeah, and that BULLSHIT about you "never wanting me to have to get rid of one of my dogs"? I'm calling you on it. Go ahead, tell the other neighbors whatever your little witchy heart desires, because they ALL know you're cray cray. And if you want to continue running to your window to "stalk" me everyday, feel free, i'm starting to enjoy it. Just remember sweetheart, in the end, i'm with G and we're happy, and your stuck with your miserable lonely old life.

Here's hoping you have "constant" diarrhea for eternity and rot in hell.
Shay


1 comment:

  1. You are so funny.

    I also had a great idea that you should make B*tch-faced RAT Neighbor, some laxative brownies. :)

    I also really want to try that pear yogurt, that sound really really good.

    Also, if you know of any billionaires, send them my way. I'll marry them...and give you some of their green ;)

    ReplyDelete